Although the scars of yesterday, remain...

So yea, nothing really new. Just getting ready to finish up here and idk go home?

MY 4/20 was quite uneventful, played babysitter for a few friends who never smoked/done shrooms before. it was quite lulz. I was the designated driver and made sure no one got themselves killed during thier trips. Needless to say i still indulged in a few joints. A little bummed i couldnt have any shrooms though.

A good friend of mine on RO introduced me to a friend of his a while back. Like, a month or so ago? Anyway needless to say we started slowly chatting with eachother and moved up to phone calls. 4/20 i actually visited/hungout with him. I was in the area anyway ( i had to go home this 4/20 he literally lives 15 minutes north of me). so granted i was awkward at first but i actually had fun. We have similar tastes in games and music, hes fit, tall, spanish, from the UK, has the adorable british accent.

back the fuck up, did i just hit the jackpot? British accent, tall, athletic, the sweetest person ever? I think I just did <3

He actually told me that he likes me today, however i want to wait a little longer before i make any sort of decision on that caliber. Based on how it goes when im actually home for the summer is gonna be the defining factor. There is a huge difference for when im here at school, living an independent life away from my overbearing mother, and when im at home with my mom up my ass every 30 or so minutes and shes very nosey too, which i really dislike...

I love how things start drastically turning around towards summer. However, I'm not holding my breath

So this spring break was one to be remembered :3.

Leaving off from tuesday was it? I fucking forgot. Regardless the rest of my week was filled with work, booze, joints, and good company. I really needed that week tbh, my depression was slowly going down a path i never want to cross again [2009 part 2 x.x] but this week dragged me out of that downward path... thank god.

So i basically have two months left until i graduate with my BA... time fucking flew out the window, holy fuck x.x I am about to get started on writing out graduate school applications to three schools: Rowan, Rutgers and Monmouth Universities. Thankfully FAFSA is giving me a pretty big loan, but i honestly dont know where i want to go to school this time around, do i want to live on campus again to avoid my overprotective and nosy mother? to stay close to home to actually have time to hang out with my friends again and reconnect? (I'm leaning towards the get the hell out of my house option, or even the state, i like traveling :3!) But alas, it is the end of this chapter in my life.

Now on to other things...
Hunger Games is amazing, i recommend it to everyone, especially the book series <3
Mirai Nikki and Persona 4 are fast approaching their end Q_Q
Currently watching Durarara! cause i can never seem to catch it on adult swim anymore -.-

Now excuse me as i roll another blunt and watch the wind take the newly grown leaves off their branches.

well this week was a roller coaster for me.

Depression started coming back worse than ever. Mixing that with my smoking habits and the deep thought process caused me to have many unwanted anxiety attacks due to paranoia. My self esteem and confidence is at an all time low, i tried to explain to a close guildmate of mine the situation i was in. Where i couldnt tell what kind of mixed signals my friend was sending my way. (I read into things way to much, the curse of being very observant.) Kenny was telling me to just be direct and ask the question, "what route is this relationship going to take" but then i told him about the one time i did grow the balls to ask and his response and Kenny was telling me to disregard that one cause things could be different now. Im way to shy to ask twice in less than a month. Its not like we see eachother everyday, its more like everyother weekend... if that.

I did not end up going to beer olympics yesterday. I;m kinda happy about it. It lasted from 10pm to about 5-6am. I dont want to know why it took that long, but by the end of the night only one team was still there and not missing people, and they kind of won by default. Again, I dont know how people can do that. Rick woke up 4 hours later, still drunk. I made a very good decision this weekend, that and i dont think i wouldve walked out a live with drinking + depression.

Anyway, so i explain everything to my friend phil later, and he said i should do things the way i feel comfortable with. i dont need to rush anything and when i feel the time is right, i should ask, if i havent been asked first. i personally, at this point, just dont care anymore. i already told my mother that im not interested in any guys, or dating for a while. which is pretty much the truth. i dont want a relationship, but if you are giving me mixed signals, then fucking tell me which one it is and not toy around with me. i hate that shit. cause if you like me in that certain way, then maybe, depending on how long weve known eachother and the way im feeling at that point and time, im willing to give it another go. but if your going to keep fucking toying around with me, im gonna go from the sweetest angel into a freaken devil.

i guess im contradicting myself eh?

this is what happens when you have too much time on your hands and suffer from anxiety/paranoia and depression. your mind wanders and the emotions based on those feelings at the time can wreck your life.

depression sucks. i hope next week is better. spring break :3!

I felt this post was necessary.
I know, double post, sue me.

The drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer
You won't try to save me!
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!

( Read more... )

Please dont ask why all of a sudden I'm spilling my guts. It's been pent up for a good week or so and I felt the need to let it out of my system. I like to think of it as therapy. :3