Story of my life
Feb. 22nd, 2012 04:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
daniderpI felt this post was necessary.
I know, double post, sue me.
The drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer
You won't try to save me!
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!
Heard these lyrics in a song that just sprang up on my iphone. Granted these can have different meaning for each person. These words to me mean that when I'm high I'm happy and forget about the pain and the world around me. Throw a boy in to the mix and then comes the panic and nausea. Especially if said boy is attractive, nice, just like me, single, and a fellow stoner. But with all the skeletons in my closet and the pain inflicted on me from guys in the past i just cant bring myself to trust em anymore.
Sad enough that my friend, who I spent valentines day with, has kind of the same situation. Too much baggage to go into another relationship. Though my biggest fear is that over the 5 days we literally spent with eachother, mainly cause we were bums and didnt want to go to class, is that we might have fell for each other. I did ask after three days if he liked me as a little more than a friend, since we did talk to eachother on ventrilo a lot but i got the answer i usually expected with a slight twist, he never said no, he just mentioned the baggage thing. I guess that's what got me seriously wondering. Since then however we've been talking to eachother more and even invited me to watch him and his roommate participate in Beer Olympics at Drexel in two weeks. As well as go to see his school's acapella group [i know i botched this real bad forgive me] at rutgers for semi finals in some competition.
I am not getting my hopes up, for i know something is gonna happen to hurt me in the end like always....
Please dont ask why all of a sudden I'm spilling my guts. It's been pent up for a good week or so and I felt the need to let it out of my system. I like to think of it as therapy. :3
I know, double post, sue me.
The drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer
You won't try to save me!
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!
Heard these lyrics in a song that just sprang up on my iphone. Granted these can have different meaning for each person. These words to me mean that when I'm high I'm happy and forget about the pain and the world around me. Throw a boy in to the mix and then comes the panic and nausea. Especially if said boy is attractive, nice, just like me, single, and a fellow stoner. But with all the skeletons in my closet and the pain inflicted on me from guys in the past i just cant bring myself to trust em anymore.
Sad enough that my friend, who I spent valentines day with, has kind of the same situation. Too much baggage to go into another relationship. Though my biggest fear is that over the 5 days we literally spent with eachother, mainly cause we were bums and didnt want to go to class, is that we might have fell for each other. I did ask after three days if he liked me as a little more than a friend, since we did talk to eachother on ventrilo a lot but i got the answer i usually expected with a slight twist, he never said no, he just mentioned the baggage thing. I guess that's what got me seriously wondering. Since then however we've been talking to eachother more and even invited me to watch him and his roommate participate in Beer Olympics at Drexel in two weeks. As well as go to see his school's acapella group [i know i botched this real bad forgive me] at rutgers for semi finals in some competition.
I am not getting my hopes up, for i know something is gonna happen to hurt me in the end like always....
Please dont ask why all of a sudden I'm spilling my guts. It's been pent up for a good week or so and I felt the need to let it out of my system. I like to think of it as therapy. :3
