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[personal profile] daniderp
well this week was a roller coaster for me.

Depression started coming back worse than ever. Mixing that with my smoking habits and the deep thought process caused me to have many unwanted anxiety attacks due to paranoia. My self esteem and confidence is at an all time low, i tried to explain to a close guildmate of mine the situation i was in. Where i couldnt tell what kind of mixed signals my friend was sending my way. (I read into things way to much, the curse of being very observant.) Kenny was telling me to just be direct and ask the question, "what route is this relationship going to take" but then i told him about the one time i did grow the balls to ask and his response and Kenny was telling me to disregard that one cause things could be different now. Im way to shy to ask twice in less than a month. Its not like we see eachother everyday, its more like everyother weekend... if that.

I did not end up going to beer olympics yesterday. I;m kinda happy about it. It lasted from 10pm to about 5-6am. I dont want to know why it took that long, but by the end of the night only one team was still there and not missing people, and they kind of won by default. Again, I dont know how people can do that. Rick woke up 4 hours later, still drunk. I made a very good decision this weekend, that and i dont think i wouldve walked out a live with drinking + depression.

Anyway, so i explain everything to my friend phil later, and he said i should do things the way i feel comfortable with. i dont need to rush anything and when i feel the time is right, i should ask, if i havent been asked first. i personally, at this point, just dont care anymore. i already told my mother that im not interested in any guys, or dating for a while. which is pretty much the truth. i dont want a relationship, but if you are giving me mixed signals, then fucking tell me which one it is and not toy around with me. i hate that shit. cause if you like me in that certain way, then maybe, depending on how long weve known eachother and the way im feeling at that point and time, im willing to give it another go. but if your going to keep fucking toying around with me, im gonna go from the sweetest angel into a freaken devil.

i guess im contradicting myself eh?

this is what happens when you have too much time on your hands and suffer from anxiety/paranoia and depression. your mind wanders and the emotions based on those feelings at the time can wreck your life.

depression sucks. i hope next week is better. spring break :3!

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Dani

February 2015

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